


Fight, Flight, Freeze.

by SilverAmoebasquid



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, [shoves fic at you] HERE, [ugly crying], and you are the reason TenShira is so important to me, bday gift for Miracle Girl Katrina!, bless your entire existence I love you!, mostly mine, warning for feelings, warning for some blood and fighting and swearing?, warning for tenshira being tenshira, you deserve more than this but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-08 01:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14093601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverAmoebasquid/pseuds/SilverAmoebasquid
Summary: In response to adverse stress, some people fight, some take flight, and some of them must learn to freeze.





	1. Fight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [miracleboysatori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miracleboysatori/gifts).



Lost in gentle humming, Satori swung his arms as he walked away from the gymnasium. How many songs existed in the universe? He had a little over 2,000 on his phone and that was only a fraction of what could even be out there. This seemed like something Taichi would know, so Satori changed his course for the closer door to the dorm building, the one with easier access to the second year’s room. He could go around to his normal door and spend more time outside, but he actually had a valid reason to go bother his kouhai tonight and he didn’t want to waste it. There were too many nights he was chastised by one of the second years about coming to talk to them for no reason at all. If Satori was lucky, maybe Taichi would help him out. There had to be millions of songs composed over the history of time and one of them was stuck in Satori’s head and he wasn’t sure which of the millions it was.

Twirling in a circle, kicking up dirt, Satori hummed the same three lines over again, trying to match words with the tune, trying to match a title and artist with all of it. With another twirl, Satori gave up. It wasn’t like it really mattered. He wouldn’t even remember the tune in the morning and he’d have something else stuck in his head as soon as he stopped paying attention to it.

But how could he stop paying attention to it now that he was aware of it? It was like being aware of his own breathing— damn, now he was aware of that too, along with everything else he wasn’t supposed to think about: The Game, next week’s math test, last night when Eita was changing in their dorm into pajamas and lost his balance. Yes, Satori still had the opportune photo on his phone of his roommate sitting on the floor, half in and half out of his boxers.

Satori chuckled at that last one, still humming the stubborn song. The warm twilight sang along with him, matching him with harmony only he could hear on an evening for him alone to enjoy as he walked alone, escaping the gym later than usual tonight.

After volleyball, Satori had gotten wrapped up in a conversation with Wakatoshi and three of the first years that he’d enjoyed immensely. The younger students clearly looked up to the both of them and it made Satori feel proud. Oh! One of them had been singing a song in the locker room! That was how Satori had gotten it stuck in his head! Well, shoot, he probably didn’t even know what the song was then. How was he supposed to deduce the name of the tune that plagued him if he didn’t even know it! He’d have to go find the first year again tomorrow and ask what song it was. Not that it really mattered, but it was kinda catchy and Satori thought he would like to hear the original version, though his kouhai’s singing was just as endearing.

The lights inside the dorm hall were an unpleasant contrast to the heavy dusk and pinpoint stars outside — the reason Satori usually walked outside to the far door instead. Wait, why was he coming in through this door? Oh yeah, asking Taichi how many songs existed in the universe!

Jogging up to the second floor of the building, Satori skipped along the hallway to where two of his extra special most favorite-est kouhai lived. They would probably be doing homework about now and Satori couldn’t wait to go crash their productivity party. He twirled as he walked one last time for good measure — and sent his water bottle flying out of his backpack to roll down the hall.

He raced after the accidental projectile as it attempted to escape down another hallway and was immediately alerted by raised voices. Satori looked up to see two male students shouting at each other, locked in combat.

The explosion of anger flew past Satori’s eyes before he had time to process and step in. One of the boys slammed the other against the wall, shouting in his face. But the second wasn’t about to lose. He brought his knee up sharply between the first student’s legs, forcing him to back off, doubled over. The first few punches were delivered to the first boy’s midsection, then his face as they went down together. The first boy jolted as his back slammed into the unforgiving tile floor and he flipped them both over, pinning his opponent’s shoulders down.

Satori hesitated before running forward. He wasn’t a fighter. He didn’t want to get involved or wind up hurt. But more important was stopping the scuffle before either of the boys on the floor were hurt worse than they already were. Satori’s limbs finally decided to respond and he leaped into the battle, grabbing the first student, still on top, and dragging him away. The second scooted backward, his eyes wide and fear twisting his lips, split on one side and leaking blood out of the corner of his mouth.

The student Satori was still clinging to twisted away, giving Satori a clear view of his scowling face.

Satori almost dropped him right then, his mouth fumbling to form words. “Kenjirou?”

Kenjirou’s hands connected with Satori’s chest, forcefully shoving him away as he stumbled to his feet and lifted his fists in front of his face, panting hard.

The opponent had fled the scene and his footsteps were clearly audible to Satori as he stood in the hallway, facing Kenjirou with his fists still raised.

With a long exhale, Kenjirou lowered his hands, taking long, deliberate strides back down the hallway toward his room.

“Wait up!” Satori yelled after his kouhai, running after Kenjirou, still in shock at what he’d just witnessed.

Satori lunged forward and caught Kenjirou’s arm as he fumbled with the door to his room, only to be thrown off. Kenjirou’s eyes were still stone cold and his glare injected Satori with a coating of ice. Satori felt like he’d broken into several pieces. Part of him was still chasing his water bottle blithely down the hall, now abandoned. Another fragment was still frozen upon witnessing the scene of the students fighting. It had started and ended so quickly that he had to replay it all just to be sure of what he saw. But there was no way to deny what he’d seen as the rest of him rejoined his physical form, lunging forward as Kenjirou opened the door and slipping inside the room.

When Satori’s mouth caught up as well, he finally expelled all the words that had been building inside him. “Kenjirou! What just happened? Who was that other kid and what were you fighting about? Are you okay?”

Kenjirou sat on the edge of his bed, head bowed. The room was empty aside from him and Satori, though the main light was on as well as his desk lamp. The air boiled with the conflict Kenjirou was trying to get under control within him.

Taking a deep breath, Satori felt time start to move how it usually did again. He took a hesitant step toward Kenjirou’s bed and knelt on the floor in front of him. “Kenjirou? Are you okay?”

Offering a weak nod, Kenjirou didn’t bother looking up.

Satori wanted to help, wanted to make sure Kenjirou was really okay. He’d seen the second-year take several hits so there was no way he was completely unharmed. And that wasn’t even taking in his mental state as the adrenaline started to drain from his blood. And yet, as much as Satori wanted to help, he wasn’t sure how to. He reached out to put a hand on Kenjirou’s shoulder, then thought better of it and pulled his arm away. “Where’s Taichi?”

Emotionless, Kenjirou shrugged. “Finding food, I think.”

“Okay,” Satori coaxed. At least he was getting words out of Kenjirou now. “What happened with you and that other kid?”

“I don’t like him,” Kenjirou muttered.

Satori still couldn’t see his setter’s expression, but he watched silently as Kenjirou’s hands moved, tightening and loosening from weak fists.

“He’s in my class. I insulted him earlier so when I came back up here, he knocked on the door to talk to me. I apologized for hurting his feelings in class and said he should learn to take a joke. I made the first real move against him though when he kept arguing. I thought if I pushed him a little, he’d back off... I didn’t expect it to escalate like that.”

This was all a bit above Satori’s pay grade as senpai. He’d never been in a fist fight before and he didn’t know the first thing about what Kenjirou might be thinking or feeling at the moment. Satori did his best to relate to his teammates and make it known that he’d be there for them, but out of all of them, Kenjirou was sometimes the hardest.

 

Satori had figured out the way to Taichi’s heart last year. He had seen that the young middle blocker was very smart, though lacking in motivation and social ties. Satori went out of his way to single out his kouhai and spend time with him. Quiet was never Satori’s forte, but when he felt like a quiet night in, he went to Taichi, bearing gifts of snacks and anime to watch. Taichi had never said he liked this, but he had never kicked Satori out before and he certainly ate whatever food was offered to him. Satori took that as a sign of trust and so continued to spend quiet time with Taichi, even if they were just in the same room together, doing separate things, Satori thought his bond with his fellow middle blocker had strengthened and it made working with him in practice that much more enjoyable as well.

Tsutomu was an even easier kouhai to bond with. He was loud and exciting and so was Satori. While Satori wasn’t always keen on logging extra hours in the gym after practice, if Tsutomu asked him to stay, he never hesitated. It gave Satori a chance to show off and be admired and he would be lying if he said Tsutomu wasn’t his own kind of spectacular. The two had clicked automatically, Tsutomu now always going to Satori for extra practice or just to say hi in the hallways. Satori knew Tsutomu was showing off to his first-year friends by approaching the third-year so Satori let his excitement around Tsutomu show because of course he was elated to be friends with the first-year and honored that Tsutomu was so unabashed to associate with him.

 

And then there was Kenjirou.

Satori never quite got to the same place with his setter as he’d achieved with his other kouhai. If Satori and Tsutomu were being loud together, Kenjirou was the furthest from that scene. If Satori was hanging out with Taichi in the second year dorms, Kenjirou often packed up his things and found a study room to occupy for the evening so he wouldn’t be disturbed. His focused disposition wasn’t something Satori could identify with as easily and he’d yet to find that one little piece of personality they had in common that he could use to wiggle past his thorough defenses.

Of course, they were great teammates and they worked together well on the court, but if it wasn’t volleyball-related, Kenjirou didn’t seem to take any interest in Satori’s jokes or anecdotes like some of the others did. Kenjirou was business and discipline. Satori was the opposite, fun and freedom.

And now, kneeling on the floor of the small dorm room, Satori had no idea what to do. Kenjirou’s head was still bowed and his shoulders were tense. A few drops of blood stained his white t-shirt. Was it his blood? Should Satori reach out, touch him, help him, comfort him? Or should he back off, give him space, pretend he hadn’t just seen what he had? What would Satori do if this was one of his other kouhai? Satori reached into his volleyball bag and grabbed an energy bar. That wouldn’t be too in-his-face but still showing that he cared, right?

Instead, Kenjirou stood up in a rush, moving past Satori and pushing his offering out of the way, taking to the bathroom at the back of the dorm and slamming the door behind him.

Satori’s heart thudded painfully in his chest, aching to run after Kenjirou and help him, but a small part of him was tethered to his spot on the floor, afraid to upset the second-year any more. What would Kenjirou want from him? He couldn’t decide.

So Satori pushed that out of his mind and did what  _ he _ wanted to do instead. He shot to his feet, dumping his bag on the ground and placed his hands on the bathroom door. “Kenjirou? I’m coming in.”

When Satori entered, Kenjirou was leaning against the counter, facing the door. Blood was smeared under his nose, glistening and dark. The skin around his left eye was red and starting to swell. He clutched his right hand to his chest, more blood oozing from open cuts on his knuckles. Kenjirou blinked, making eye contact and holding it confidently. “I can take care of myself. Thank you though.”

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” Satori continued without caring what Kenjirou might want. He wanted to help and there wasn’t anything that was going to stop him. Satori tore a paper towel off a nearby roll, soaking it in the sink and wringing out the excess before turning back to Kenjirou and holding it out.

Kenjirou reluctantly accepted the paper towel, pressing it against his face first, looking back at the mirror to remove all the blood from under his nose.

“Can I go get you some ice?” Satori asked. “For your eye.”

Kenjirou nodded, almost imperceptibly. “Thank you.”

 

Satori dashed back out of the room, deciding the cafeteria might be the best place to score some ice. He achieved his goal quickly, explaining to one of the servers why he needed a plastic bag quickly without many details. On his way back out, Satori searched the waning evening crowd for Taichi, allegedly getting food himself. He spotted the other second-year at a table by himself, munching and staring at his phone contentedly. Under any normal circumstance, Satori might run over to him and insist upon keeping him company, but not tonight. Satori approached slowly, waving to get Taichi’s attention quieter than he might normally.

Taichi looked up, stuffing another bite of his meal into his mouth. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Satori said nervously, fingering the bag of ice in his hands. “I need some advice. Kenjirou got into a fist fight and I don’t know if he’s okay. I mean physically, I think he’s fine, but... What do I do to help him?”

Taichi shrugged, eyeing the ice. “He’ll sulk by himself for a bit but he’ll get over it. This isn’t the first time.”

Satori frowned, offering a quick thanks before walking away again. He didn’t want to leave Kenjirou alone. He wanted to talk about what just happened. If this wasn’t the first time Kenjirou had gotten in a fight, maybe there was something wrong. Satori knew as well as anyone what it was like to go through a tough time where people and emotions and life were confusing. He didn’t think anyone should be alone if they were having a hard time, even if they wanted to be alone. Satori knew about Kenjirou’s stubborn streak, but he swore he wouldn’t leave that room until he talked to Kenjirou about what was really going on.

 

Letting himself back into the room, Satori made his way back to the bathroom and handed over the ice, which Kenjirou gratefully accepted and pressed against his eye. He had cleaned up while Satori was out of the room, his face bloodless and bandages over his split knuckles, the contents of a compact first aid kit strewn across the counter.

“You okay?” Satori asked, pausing in the doorway.

“I’ll live,” Kenjirou replied dryly, inspecting his eye in the mirror.

“Eita has a whole bunch of makeup. I could steal some so you could cover that up a little better in the morning.”

Kenjirou turned back to look at Satori, taking the bag away from his eye. “Is it bad?”

Satori wasn’t quite sure what bad even looked like so soon after impact. He reached out impulsively, brushing his fingers over the swollen skin.

Kenjirou flinched backwards with a grunt, placing the ice pack over the injury again.

“Sorry! It’s still tender isn’t it,” Satori apologized, taking a step back. “Come sit down; you look like you’re freaking out on the inside.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Kenjirou argued, following Satori out of the bathroom anyway and sitting back down on his bed.

Satori noted that his kouhai’s shoulders weren’t as tense and he looked like he had at least relaxed a bit, not that Satori had been much help on that front, though he still really wanted to. “May I sit down?” Satori gestured at the bed.

Kenjirou nodded, scooting over to lean against the wall. “Look, I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. You can go back to whatever you were doing before. Sorry you saw that side of me.”

Satori coughed out a laugh. “I always knew you kicked ass, but I never thought I’d get to witness it myself. I’m sure the other guy looks worse than you do right now.”

Eyes still glued to the floor, Kenjirou didn’t seem to find that funny.

As hard as it was to keep within his personal bubble, Satori sat still. “I’m not going to leave until you talk to me. Obviously, I don’t know your daily habits, but I don’t think fist fighting is one of them. Taichi said this isn’t the first time. What’s going on? I don’t know if I’ll be able to help, but it’s nice sometimes just to tell someone. I’m here to listen if you feel comfortable talking about what’s up.”

“I’m probably going to get in trouble for this,” Kenjirou said, voice inflectionless. “If I get suspended from club activities, I’m sorry for letting the team down. I thought I was getting better at this but maybe not.”

Satori sat perfectly still. He was afraid to breathe and break the fragile strand holding them together. If he made a wrong move, Kenjirou would withdraw again. “You didn’t let anyone down,” Satori assured. “You didn’t mean for that to get out of hand and he forced you to take action. You were just protecting yourself. If the other kid tries to get you in trouble, they can’t deny that fact.”

“If this was an isolated incident maybe, but if the same person keeps showing up pleading self-defense, how many times can you go along with that?” Kenjirou shook his head. “It’s not actually that bad. This is only the second time I’ve gotten into a fight at this school. It used to be worse when I was a kid. I’ve shaped up a little, but... It’s hard. I’ve never been at a school for longer than two years before, but I wanted to stay here all three years and have a clean record the whole time.”

Satori couldn’t deny his surprise. He’d seen Kenjirou’s fire on the court before countless times, but he’d never actually seen his kouhai lash out in real anger before tonight. The thought of his studious, respectful setter getting expelled put a bad taste in Satori’s mouth. “You’ve been kicked out of school that many times?”

“Oh. No, I’ve never been kicked out. I moved a lot as a kid. It made it hard to make friends at school. And it was also hard to feel like it mattered. ‘Who cares if I get in a fight because I’m probably not going to be there next year anyway.’ That kind of thing. That’s why I wanted to come to a boarding school, so I wouldn’t have to leave if my parents moved again. Thought I could start over but once a brat, always a brat, I guess.”

The distinct urge to hug Kenjirou and make sure he felt loved washed over Satori and made it very hard to sit still. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “That sounds tough. I’m glad you’re here though and I’m glad you aren’t fighting as much. I wouldn’t want you to go to a different school again.”

Kenjirou shifted uneasily, pulling his feet onto the bed and getting into a more comfortable position. “It’s not that big of a deal, honest. You don’t need to worry about me doing anything else stupid tonight if that’s why you’re still hanging around. I said you could go back to whatever you were doing before.”

“It’s not important,” Satori assured with a smile. “I want to spend more time with you anyway. Sorry this is what it took to finally get me to sit down with you.”

Expression curious, Kenjirou looked up. “What do you mean?”

“It’s the beginning of my third year,” Satori shrugged. “I want to get to know my kouhai and spend time with them before I graduate. I think you’re a really cool person, Kenjirou. I just don’t always know how to approach you without feeling like I’m annoying you, but I do want to be friends.”

“Tendou-san...” Kenjirou bit his lip like he was trying to say something. “Maybe you and I have a different definition of distance. Maybe for you, ‘friends’ is only for people you spend a lot of intimate time with. I guess I’ve never thought like that.”

Satori held his breath. Was Kenjirou implying that he thought of them as friends? Of all the things Satori had expected to learn from this night, that wasn’t it, but he was almost too ecstatic to contain. Kenjirou saw him as a friend even if they hadn’t ever really sat down like this before together. Maybe the jokes and songs and dancing around him during practice had made a difference, even if the only responses Satori got were glares and eye rolls. “I’m glad to be your friend...” Satori mumbled. “You know I don’t care that I caught you fighting. I still think you’re cool and I want to hang out with you. But I also don’t want you to sit here alone and be mad. So talk to me. Why do you fight?”

“Isn’t it just instinct?” Kenjirou looked over, meeting Satori’s eyes evenly. “Fight or flight? My response has always been to fight back. I’ve been told enough that I shouldn’t, but I don’t know how to control it. Usually it’s not physical... I get into a lot more verbal fights than fist fights, but I know I should learn to control my temper better.”

Satori had to keep himself from laughing. He knew all about Kenjirou’s temper. It was a revered entity amongst the team. Behind Kenjirou’s back, some of them laughed that it was their setter’s demeanor that won them matches, their opponents scared into submission. Satori had broken up countless scuffles between Kenjirou and other members of the team, Tsutomu, Eita, and Taichi most frequently. From what he’d seen, it didn’t take much to annoy Kenjirou, but he also calmed back down incredibly quickly, evidenced by the way the second-year sat now, relaxed and limp against the wall, gently shifting the bag of ice against his face. Satori supposed he shouldn’t have been that surprised to find out Kenjirou had a background in fighting. It was hard to put a cap on passion that burned so brightly. “Do you have tricks or something to help you calm down when you’re angry?”

“Distance from the situation is all I need. Sometimes it’s hard to get that though. When I still lived at home, I usually talked to my rabbit. That’s the one thing I miss.”

Satori perked up. “Bunny?”

Kenjirou smirked weakly. “Yeah. I got her when I was in middle school to help with some of the aggression. I thought the whole ‘animals help calm you down’ thing was a myth but it really does help. Do you have pets back home?”

Satori thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest. Kenjirou was asking him if he had any pets. They were having a real back and forth conversation and they were both smiling. Also, the mental image of Kenjirou with a bunny was extremely cute to picture. Lost in thought, Satori almost forgot to answer. “Uh, no, I don’t have any pets. But I really like animals and after high school, I’m definitely going to get a pet of my own! Your bunny sounds really cute and I’m glad you have her to help you out!”

The half smile still rested gently on Kenjirou’s lips. “Yeah... Maybe I’ll try to visit home this weekend to see her. My parents are going to find out about the fight one way or another...”

“Ooh! Send pictures then! I want to see your bunny too!”

Kenjirou risked a smile before his expression dropped back into a glare. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that. If you can, try not to let the whole school know about my personal problems.”

Satori was about to retort immediately with assurance that he would never spread what he’d learned tonight, but he stopped himself. He wasn’t the only one who read people’s actions to judge their character. If Kenjirou thought that Satori might spill the beans, there was probably some weight behind that warning and Satori would do well to keep himself in line and respect Kenjirou. “I’m... sorry I have a bad reputation for that. If this was something little, I might joke about it later, but I didn’t have any intent on telling anyone else. Taichi knows you got in a fight because I ran into him while I was getting you ice but other than that... I wasn’t going to bring this up again.”

“It comes up anyway,” Kenjirou shrugged. “I’m used to it. That’s why I apologized you had to see me like that. This is going to affect the way you see me from now on and it affects the way you talk _ about _ me and talk  _ to _ me and other people pick up on that too. I’m no stranger to that. It’s the same reason Taichi is taking his sweet-ass time eating. He doesn’t want to see me after a fight because he saw it once last year and he doesn’t want to see it again. Your perceptions of me changed, but I’m used to it. But the more people know, the more people are going to look at me differently. I don’t want the whole team looking at me like I’m dangerous. I promise I’m not.”

It was true. Kenjirou had thought through every step of this before, Satori figured. And probably not by choice. The second-year had probably experienced people slowly turning away from him as they learned more about his nature. Under the calm exterior, he was probably terrified it was happening again. It squeezed painfully at Satori’s heart, imagining what Kenjirou was thinking. He would tell Eita and Eita was even worse about keeping his mouth shut, especially around their third-year friends on the team. Soon everyone would know and no one would trust Kenjirou like they used to. In order to be successful on a team, your teammates had to trust you. Kenjirou could lose his spot purely through team dynamics, not even factoring in any school-issued penalties for his behavior.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone. I’m not... I’m not afraid of you,” Satori coaxed, setting one hand down on the bed, a little closer to Kenjirou.

Immediately Kenjirou flinched away, his gaze hardening again. “Then it’s pity. It’s either fear or pity. Don’t lie to me. Once people know, they’re either afraid or they just feel sorry that I’m so fucked up.”

Satori froze again. Every time he thought he might have Kenjirou figured out, he was caught off guard again. He needed to get it through his head that Kenjirou’s instinct was to fight and he wasn’t going to accept Satori’s affection easily. He pulled his hand back slowly. There was no need to infringe on Kenjirou’s personal space if that was only making him feel defensive. “Aren’t we all a little fucked up?” Satori offered a smile instead, not making any physical advancements. “I’m fucked up too and I admit it. I want to accept you for being fucked up as well. If you’ll let me.”

Kenjirou’s expression said he didn’t quite believe Satori’s claims about being fucked up. It pained Satori’s heart to think Kenjirou saw himself as the only fucked up person in the vicinity. He didn’t give off a self-loathing vibe, but it might still be there, under the surface. Satori made a mental note to keep that in mind. There was a lot more driving Kenjirou’s actions than met the eye. Satori was used to his quick temper and sharp barbs and air of superiority, but driving that forward, Kenjirou was— “You’re lonely,” Satori blurted, pulling Kenjirou’s eyes back onto his.

The second-year scoffed, eyes narrowed. “I’m not—”

“Yes, you are.” Satori pieced together the last few clues, feeling victorious. “You pretend you aren’t because you don’t want to get hurt again, but you know it’s not a good idea to get too close to people because they’ll see past the walls you put up and you’ll be alone again. So you keep people at a distance instead. I can’t say I blame you; I know how easy that is. But you don’t have to with me. Like I said, I’m fucked up too and I’m glad to know that we can be fucked up together.”

Kenjirou was silent. He wasn’t trying to fight anymore. Satori had hit the nail on the head.

Standing up, Satori picked his bag off the floor and smiled. “You okay?”

Kenjirou nodded silently, his eyes still fixed on Satori.

The redhead smiled brightly and headed for the door. “I’ll give you space. Get some rest. If you want me to steal any of Eita’s makeup so you can cover that black eye, just let me know. I’m always happy to steal from my dear roommate.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Halfway out the door, Satori winked at Kenjirou. “I’ll see you tomorrow. And I’m always a floor away if you need to talk. You’re not alone.”

 

The next day when Satori bounded into the locker room for volleyball practice, he found Kenjirou right away, noting his bandaged hand and the dark bruise on his face. He grinned and ran over to his kouhai, acting like he was going to poke at the tender spot under his eye. Kenjirou apparently wasn’t trying to hide his injury, but Satori was going to keep his word and give away no information on the details of last night.

A few of the other club members eyed Kenjirou warily, too afraid to ask. 

Kenjirou batted Satori away with a glare, making the delinquent look complete. “Don’t touch me.”

With a fond laugh and a pat on the head, Satori skipped away to change out of school clothes. Eita caught his arm on his way out into the gym, his expression worried. Leave it to Eita to be concerned about every single one of their teammates whether they wanted it or not.

“Do you know what that’s all about?” Eita asked, his voice low.

Satori shrugged. “Maybe Kenjirou’s a ninja. By day, he’s an exemplary student and volleyball player but by night, he walks the streets of Miyagi, enforcing vigilante justice!”

Eita rolled his eyes. “Last night you said you were with Kawanishi and Shirabu. You seriously don’t know what happened to him?”

“You want to know what really happened?” Satori ducked his head to get closer to his own roommate. “He was trying to look like you but got a little carried away with the dark eyeliner.”

With a scoff, Eita turned his back on Tendou and headed for the door to the gym, muttering something Satori couldn’t quite make out.

Still smirking, Satori readied himself for practice, pulling his shirt over his head only to find himself face-to-face with Kenjirou, his expression guarded.

“What did you tell him?” Kenjirou demanded.

“Relax, I made up some excuse!” Satori ushered his kouhai toward the door as well. “I said I wouldn’t tell anyone and I’m not gonna! Your secret is safe with me, diva ninja boy!”

“What the fuck?”

Satori poked Kenjirou’s cheek under the bruise. “Don’t worry about it, Kenjirou. I’ve got your back. You don’t always have to fight.”


	2. Flight

Four months had passed since the incident with Kenjirou’s fight and Satori loved the way his relationship with his kouhai had been shaping up since then. That one forced interaction had led to many more interactions by the middle of the school year. It felt more natural, understanding how Kenjirou operated and how lonely he probably still was under his guarded exterior. Satori couldn’t quite tell, but he thought that Kenjirou wasn’t quite as annoyed with him either. When Satori danced around him singing a made-up song, Kenjirou batted him away like normal, but there was almost a fondness to the action, like he didn’t quite mean it.

But then again, that might have just been Satori’s view of the second-year through his own optimistic lens.

So of course, Satori needed to test that theory. He slid into the locker room after practice, noting that Kenjirou was standing in front of his open locker, trying to tug his overloaded school backpack out. Satori snaked his body around the younger student, reaching into his locker and grabbing at wadded up practice clothing.

Kenjirou dropped his backpack to slap Satori’s hand away, a familiar glare drawing his eyebrows together. “I’m sorry, is this your locker? Fuck off.”

Waggling his own eyebrows, Satori pulled away, leaning his back against the adjacent locker, grinning slyly at Kenjirou. “Such harsh words for your beloved senpai, Kenjirou! You’re lucky it’s me; anyone else would be horribly offended!”

“Whatever.” Kenjirou rolled his eyes. “I already know you don’t care. Just don’t touch my stuff.”

Satori figured that anyone else wouldn’t have gotten off so easily for trespassing in Kenjirou’s locker. Maybe Satori really was on the friendship list. It seemed like over the past few months, Kenjirou’s usual barbs weren’t quite as severe or passed him by altogether. Maybe it was just caution regarding the secret Satori carried, but he preferred to think it was because they’d gotten a little closer recently. He beamed, aiming to outshine Kenjirou’s cloudy expression. “Are you ready to leave? Can I walk back to the dorm building with you?”

Kenjirou’s eyes narrowed impossibly more than they already were. “Why...?”

Satori laughed out loud. “Does there have to be a reason? If I’m leaving and you’re leaving, we might as well walk together! Besides, it’s dark outside and there could be bears! Would you rather face a bear by yourself or with me?”

Kenjirou yanked his backpack out of his locker and threw it over both his shoulders, slamming the metal door shut and heading for the exit. “It wouldn’t matter. You’re a faster runner than I am so the bear would probably eat me either way.”

“Oh, come on, Kenjirou! I’d defend you from a bear! I wouldn’t just run and leave you all alone to get eaten!”

“That’s statistically unlikely. Most people’s adverse stress response is flight rather than flight. It doesn’t matter if there’s someone you’d like to save, your brain is hardwired to escape. Why are you laughing at me?”

Satori stifled the last bout of giggles. “Trust Kenjirou to turn a hypothetical situation into a science lesson. And you how do you know if I’m a fight or flight person? Can fighting people sniff out other fighting people? Do I not smell like a fighter?”

Kenjirou scoffed. “I have eyes, Tendou-san. You’re the most non-confrontational person I know. If a conflict comes up, you’d let anyone walk all over you before you’d fight back.”

The words came like a blow to the stomach and Satori almost reacted physically as if they were. He looked over at his companion.

Kenjirou’s eyes were wide, his mouth gaping helplessly at his poor choice of words. “Tendou-san, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that to come out so offensively. I just meant that you put others first even if it’s detrimental to you because you don’t like conflict and you’re not someone who fights back and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing either.”

Satori chuckled weakly and patted Kenjirou’s shoulder. The second-year was completely correct in his assessment, though Satori didn’t usually resort to such a blunt description of himself. He certainly did have a tendency to let people walk over him in the case of a disagreement. He’d always wished that he could stand up for himself a little better, but he’d gotten to the point where he didn’t mind his instinct to flee from conflict so much. Yes, it made him feel weak sometimes, but it also meant that disagreements never escalated in his presence and he certainly never ended up in a fist fight resulting in a black eye like Kenjirou’s that lasted almost two full weeks before fading completely from sight. Hopefully, Satori had dominance enough over his expression not to show the crack forming in his impenetrable happiness shield. He spoke, just above a whisper. “It’s okay. I know what you meant.”

Kenjirou stood a little straighter, setting his gaze firmly on the ground in front of them as they neared the dorm building. “What I said was still out of line and I apologize for that. Um, if you would like, I’m going to walk you to your dorm room.”

That bit warmed Satori’s heart a little and smoothed a band-aid over the hole in his emotional armor. Maybe he really was on Kenjirou’s friendship list. Or maybe his kouhai simply felt guilty. If Satori was that easy to figure out, it probably wasn’t a secret that he would love some company back to his dorm either. Unfortunately, the thought was there now, festering and burrowing deeper into Satori’s mind. Is that what Kenjirou really thought of him? Satori couldn’t blame him since technically, it was the truth, but that didn’t mean he liked that part of himself.

Falling into an awkward quiet, Kenjirou shifted his backpack. “Why do you go in through the far door?”

“Hm?” Satori snapped out of his thoughts to look back down at Kenjirou. “The far door? I don’t know. It lets me be outside in between buildings for longer.”

“It’s kinda cold though,” Kenjirou commented, stuffing his hands into his pockets as they passed the closest door.

“But you can see the stars!”

Kenjirou smirked. “That’s very you. I won’t argue.”

Satori forced a smile, holding the far door open for Kenjirou as silence fell over them again. They made it all the way to the familiar door and Tendou shoved his key into the lock. He had to twist the knob hard to get it open after he and Eita had almost broken the lock one night when the key was sticking and Satori suggested kicking it. He hadn’t expected Eita to take him seriously, but it was hilarious and almost catastrophic anyway. Satori opened the door, expecting to find his roommate there since he’d left the locker room before Satori had. Instead, the room was empty. It wasn’t uncommon for Eita to go hang out with one of his pals at night after practice for a while but of all the nights to do it, Satori didn’t really want to be alone tonight.

Out of the corner of his eye, Satori noticed Kenjirou, still standing behind him. “Thanks for walking me to my room.”

Kenjirou nodded, shifting his weight but not moving. “Of course. Not a problem.”

Satori couldn’t make himself look back at his kouhai. Maybe he was just as weak as Kenjirou had pointed out, but he didn’t want a confrontation. He would absolutely flee before he would try to talk things out with Kenjirou. There would be an apology and Satori would insist everything was fine but Kenjirou was perceptive and wouldn’t be satisfied and the awkwardness would go on for far too long, featuring many empty reassurances that he wasn’t weak. “Sorry to take time out of your evening to walk me to my dorm.”

With a defiant huff, Kenjirou shouldered past Satori into the room, dropping his backpack on the floor and plopping down in Satori’s desk chair, the only totally clear surface in the entire room. He looked up at Satori expectantly. “I’m sorry for what I said, alright? I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen though.”

“Of course you can’t,” Satori chuckled, closing the door behind him and leaving his own bag on the floor. He crossed the room and flicked Kenjirou’s bangs before sitting down on his bed, shoving a few comic books out of the way to make space. “You’re a fighter. Not flight-er. You wouldn’t be able to just forget about it. I accept your apology, Kenjirou. I appreciate it and I forgive you. Everyone misspeaks sometimes and you were right anyway.”

Kenjirou crossed his legs and sat with his back straighter than that chair had ever seen before. “Is it something you want to talk about?”

Satori shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Kenjirou dragged his backpack closer and pulled out a notebook. “Is it alright if I use your desk to study?”

Satori couldn’t find words for a full minute. “What are you doing?”

Tapping his pen on the notebook, Kenjirou looked up. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine; I respect that. But you don’t like being alone and Semi-san isn’t here and I’m the one who upset you so I should be the one to stay and keep you company. I owe you one.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Satori assured. “You didn’t upset me. My personal problems aren’t your fault.”

“Neither are mine but you still sat with me and talked with me when I got in that fight. I owe you one.” Kenjirou’s expression was completely serious. He had no intention of going back on his word. “I’m not the best person to talk about emotions with, but I’ll stick around as long as you want me to.”

Satori brightened. He didn’t want Kenjirou to feel forced into keeping him company but it would be a complete lie to say he didn’t enjoy his kouhai’s presence. “What if I want you to stay forever?” he teased automatically.

Kenjirou rolled his eyes. “I draw the line at eleven. Then I need to actually get schoolwork done.”

“What if I let you sit here and do schoolwork right now?”

“I don’t know what you would want me here past eleven for anyway.”

“I can think of some things.”

Kenjirou blushed and looked away.

Uh-oh. Kenjirou was cute when he blushed. The intrusive thoughts that flooded Satori’s mind for an instant brought color to his own cheeks. He laughed it off and shoved some more junk off his bed. “Don’t mind, Kenjirou! Come sit with me?”

Looking hesitant, Kenjirou moved from the desk chair to the bed and sat with his leg touching Satori’s.

After the flirtatious comment, Satori was very surprised at the forward action. He was pretty sure he was blushing again. “Kenjirou! You don’t have to sit so close to me! I know you don’t really like that whole physical contact thing.”

“I’m trying to be comforting,” Kenjirou argued. “You like it and you’re the one hurting right now so I’m trying to help. I know I’m not the best person for comfort, but I’ll do what I can.”

The accidental insult still buzzed in Satori’s mind, but there wasn’t a single ounce of him that imagined Kenjirou meant it. Walking, Satori had believed that maybe Kenjirou really did see him as weak and non-confrontational to a fault, but here like this, there was nothing that Satori could see past their touching knees over the ever crumpled blankets on his bed and the hesitant expression on Kenjirou’s face like he had no idea how much the simple gestures really meant. No, Kenjirou didn't think ill of him at all.

Picking at a fingernail, Kenjirou scanned over Satori’s face again. “If it’s okay, I don’t want to leave until you talk about this. Maybe it’s hard, but I didn’t want to talk after that fight a few months ago either but you made me and it felt really good afterwards. So I want to do the same for you. If it’s too personal to share, I understand, but it feels good to confide in someone and maybe you trust me enough to let me help if I can.”

It was times like this when Satori was very glad Kenjirou was so upfront with his intentions. He didn’t try to beat around the bush like Satori tended to do. The second year was bolder than that. He said what he meant and forced his way into people’s rooms whether or not he was invited if he knew they didn’t want to be alone. Kenjirou didn’t ask permission to speak his mind. Satori found that fascinating, so opposite of how he felt sometimes. Sure, he didn’t have much of a filter when it came to teasing remarks and stupid jokes, but deeper topics were locked behind iron doors, not easily opened. But if Kenjirou was being open and honest, the least Satori could do was try to reciprocate that.

“I appreciate that, Kenjirou. I’m glad I can trust you. It’s really just some self-confidence issues and nothing really that matters a whole lot.” Satori’s eyes trailed around the room. He didn’t know if he could face Kenjirou’s interrogating stare. His anime posters, figurines, and random toys were much less intrusive, yet his belongings knew all of his strife too, present for him through the ups and downs when all he had to look to were fictional characters who embodied what he wanted to be. Absently, Satori noted a plush snake that had somehow migrated onto Eita’s side of the room and he wanted to go grab it, but didn’t want to break the weighted silence spanning the close distance between him and Kenjirou. The younger student was clearly holding his tongue, waiting for Satori to speak up again and explain his situation.

“Um...” Satori wasn’t exactly sure where to start. “I’m not upset because of you, okay? It’s not your fault in any way. I was bullied a lot as a kid and it comes back to haunt me sometimes.”

“You probably didn’t fight back then either, did you,” Kenjirou said, honest as ever.

Satori shook his head. “You hit the nail on the head. I let anyone walk over me before I tried to find any sort of real resolution. It wears on you after a while. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on to anyone, but it shaped me into who I am today so it’s hard to imagine life without it. I try really hard to be nice to everyone because I don’t know what they’re going through. I never want to put someone down and be just another one of the many voices saying the same negative things. I’d rather be that one positive spark of light for those people. Because I also know what that feels like. When everyone is telling you you’re worthless, one positive comment can turn your whole month around. I’d rather be that kind of person because I know how it feels.”

Kenjirou nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off Satori’s face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Satori waved dismissively. “Of course it’s always there in the background, but I definitely don’t get bullied anymore so I’m okay.”

“I mean right this second.” Kenjirou finally dropped his gaze. “You’re shaking.”

Satori hadn’t even noticed. He looked down at his hands, noting the faint tremble that danced up his arms, his fingers locked together in his lap as he tried to contain the emotions slipping through his mouth as he confessed. One leg was bouncing, skimming the floor and shaking the entire bed with nervous energy. “Oh... I’m fine! You know me, Kenjirou! I never sit still!”

The words were meaningless and Satori knew it. If Kenjirou had picked up on his anxious fidgeting, there wasn’t going to be an easy way to dissuade him. It felt weird to be on the other end of an all-seeing behavior analyst. But then again, if Kenjirou wasn’t so good at making judgment calls based on the minute shifts in body language, he would never be such a successful setter. Satori elected to be grateful for his kouhai’s sharp eye. “Kenjirou, can I ask a favor?”

The second-year silently nodded, his eyes returning to meet Satori’s evenly.

Satori dropped the gaze first, looking down and poking at Kenjirou’s knee. “I am nervous, but it’s nothing to do with you, I promise. It’s just a tough topic to talk about, but I already feel better telling you about it. Sometimes it helps when I’m talking about stuff like this to hold people’s hand or if that’s uncomfortable for you, just let me pace or doodle while I’m talking—”

Kenjirou shoved his hands at Satori without hesitating or letting him finish the sentence. Once again, the setter looked decided about his actions. He wasn’t going to retract his hands again until Satori was finished.

Exhaling gently, Satori took hold of the hands within his grasp. Past the tape on most of Kenjirou’s fingers, his hands were warm, a nice contrast with Satori’s perpetually cold fingers, especially in the late autumn. Satori’s fingers were longer than Kenjirou’s of course; not many people could match Satori’s gangly limbs, but Kenjirou’s hands were nicely shaped as well. His skin was soft though marked with faint scars, particularly over his knuckles, Satori noted with interest. A few of Kenjirou’s fingers were bent at odd angles or didn’t straighten all the way as Satori gently played with them, curling his setter’s hands into loose fists then opening them back up. Satori loved the way his own hands curled perfectly around Kenjirou’s, almost big enough to cover completely. The contrast in their skin tones stood out brightly to Satori, absently noting that he would need to keep looking to find someone paler than him.

Watching him silently, Kenjirou kept perfectly still, letting Satori play with his hands in relative silence as well. Satori wasn’t sure but he thought Kenjirou looked pretty content with this arrangement.

“Can I redo your tape?” Satori asked, not letting go. Some of the tape around Kenjirou’s fingers was losing its adhesive on the ends and dirt clung to the sides. No stranger to the care of volleyball hands, Satori knew Kenjirou probably wouldn’t have to redo the tape-job himself until tomorrow before practice since it wasn’t that ugly yet, but Satori’s hands were itching to do something and he didn’t know how long Kenjirou would tolerate him playing with his hands aimlessly. And this way, he could be doing something constructive. He felt bad enough unloading his personal problems on his kouhai.

Kenjirou nodded, standing up to dig in his backpack for a roll of medical tape before sitting back down in the same position face-to-face with Satori. “So you were bullied as a kid. What for?”

“Oh, just dumb stuff. You know how kids can be.” Satori undid the tape around Kenjirou’s fingers and wadded it up into a ball to shoot at a trash can. It missed and rolled onto the other half of the room. Good. Now it was Eita’s trash to pick up. “I didn’t really look like everyone else and I can be a little quirky if you haven’t noticed. I was really good at volleyball and people were jealous of that I think.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Kenjirou interrupted. “You ended up at a powerhouse school and they didn’t. Their petty fucking jealousy was just standing in their own way of success.”

Satori snickered. “That’s easy to say now. Back then, it never felt like a good thing. I just wanted to belong somewhere, but no one let me belong with them. I belong here and I know that, but it was hard as a kid. When enough people tell you you’re too weird, you start believing it. One by one, people isolate from you, talk about you behind your back, pick you last for teams, and you start realizing how badly you fit with all of them. It’s taken a lot of work to overcome that, but I’m working on it.” Satori smiled. “They say the key to happiness is being true to yourself and not caring what anyone else thinks. I’m weird! And I love myself for being weird! Not everyone can be the same or the world would be boring! Sure, there are going to be people who don’t like me because I’m weird, but they don’t really matter because there are just as many people who love me for who I am. You appreciate my weirdness, don’t you, Kenjirou?”

“I tolerate your weirdness,” Kenjirou grumbled. “It definitely wouldn’t be as... eventful without you around, yelling and dancing for no reason.”

Satori grinned wider. These were the kinds of things that were the greatest compliments to him now. “It’s hard to love yourself sometimes when it seems like no one else does...” he murmured. “But I’m getting better. So forgive me if I ever wig out again over a negative comment, but I’m getting a lot better at staying true to myself!” Satori nudged Kenjirou’s knee with his own. “It’s like I said before, I’m a little fucked up too, but we’re pretty good at making do, aren’t we!”

Falling quiet again for a minute, Satori carefully wrapped the tape around Kenjirou’s fingers one by one, not too tight to cut off circulation but tight enough to provide relief from the everyday strain of their sport. Still, Satori only taped his own fingers when he needed to or before a big match. It seemed like Kenjirou’s hands were constantly bathed in white strips of tape, like his hands might fall apart otherwise. Eita was the only other setter Satori knew well enough to note his self-care habits and even he didn’t have this much tape on his hands ever. “Are your hands okay? It always seems like you have a lot of tape on.”

Kenjirou shrugged. “They’re fine as long as I keep the tape on for support. Without, it’s hell. I guess my hands aren’t strong enough on their own for volleyball. As long as I’ve played, it’s always been that way.”

The fact was almost funny to Satori. The hands he held had seen fist fights and countless hours of volleyball and just as many hours clutching a pen and yet, they were delicate hands that needed constant care to be okay. Kind of like Kenjirou: hard and resilient, forged through trial, but lonely and vulnerable underneath. “Do my hands tell my story too?” he pondered aloud.

“Not as much as your face does,” Kenjirou stated without missing a beat. “The way you look at people says everything about you. You smile like you know what it’s like not to smile. You watch everyone, whether you know them or not, and you don’t look away until you make sure they’re okay. Yes, I can feel your eyes on me sometimes and you always know whether to leave me be or come crack a joke right in my ear. Your expression never dials down a bit. Your eyes are really wide and your eyebrows are always in the middle of your fucking forehead like there’s something to get excited about. You’re watching people... But you’re also on the lookout for potential danger because you know it can come from any direction.”

Satori was stunned into silence. Once again, he’d underestimated his kouhai.

Kenjirou pulled his hands away, inspecting the finished tape job. “You’re always ready to run, aren’t you. That’s okay though. That’s just how you’re wired to respond. I still feel bad for what I said to you earlier, but I hope maybe you feel a bit better now and you don’t feel like I’m a threat.”

Smiling, Satori took hold of Kenjirou’s hands again, rubbing circles into his skin with his thumb. “If I thought you were a threat, you’d know. I try to accept everyone and be nice to everyone but I wouldn’t trust everyone with what I told you. With most people, I’d run away before we ever got this close. I don’t tape everyone’s hands either.”

Kenjirou blushed. “Yeah... Thanks for that. I owe you for that now. Do you want me to do yours?”

Satori looked over his own hands, free of tape at the moment. They felt fine, but he certainly wouldn’t turn down this opportunity. He splayed his fingers out, letting Kenjirou take hold of one of his hands and reclaim his roll of white athletic tape. Satori watched fondly. Kenjirou knew which fingers took the most strain from blocking and would be the ones he needed to do.

“How did you cope with the bullying?” the setter asked quietly, eyes focused on his task.

“Not well,” Satori admitted. “I mostly pretended it didn’t exist. I played a lot by myself. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was upset or that I knew they didn’t like me, but I definitely knew. I think that’s why I took to fictional characters for role models, you know? It sounds childish, but a lot of TV show heroes are underdogs too. They were made fun of and no one believed in them, but they turned out alright. I hoped that might work in my case as well.”

“Well, it’s not like you let the bullying get to you anymore, so you’re doing well, I think.” Kenjirou glanced up from Satori’s hands for an instant to meet his eye.

“I’m glad you think so!” Satori beamed but let the smile fade away to memories of days he didn’t miss. “I just wish... Maybe it would’ve been different if I hadn’t been so scared to do something about it back then. I could’ve told a teacher at school even if I didn’t feel like standing up for myself directly. I’m pretty sure my teachers noticed because they asked me if I was okay. I always said I was. I didn’t want to start a conflict. Even back then, I was always running, convincing myself I was okay. I guess I did convince myself I’m okay though! Because here I am now! I have friends, I have the team, I have you! Everything I could ever want!”

“But who do you run to?”

“What?”

“If your instinct is to run from stuff that makes you uncomfortable, where do you end up?”

Satori sat very still. He’d never thought of it that way. “I don’t know. I don’t think I have a destination in mind.”

“I think...” Kenjirou hesitated, breaking off a section of tape and smoothing it around Satori’s finger. “I think what you run to is just as important as what you run from.”

“That’s very insightful,” Satori mumbled. “Kenjirou, you’re so smart about these things! Maybe that’s why I feel like I never really stop running! Because I never do. When I run away, I never really land somewhere, I just go until I don’t know where to go anymore and I just end up wherever I end up.”

“I mean, judging by your room, you probably still run to your little anime characters. But you have people now who would help you if you ran to them instead.”

“People like you?” Satori asked, only half joking.

Kenjirou shrugged. “Sure.”

With that, Kenjirou finished with the tape and Satori pulled his hands back silently, not sure how to respond with words yet. He flexed his fingers. It felt great. Sometimes he didn’t even realize the strain volleyball could put on hands until he made a move to fix the problem and he remembered what it felt like without the tightness in his joints. Kenjirou was definitely better at taping than he was, very little surprise how much tape he needed for himself. “Thanks, Kenjirou,” Satori finally spoke. “Will you tape my fingers again sometime?”

The setter nodded silently.

“And can I run to you if I need it?”

Another silent nod.

“Thanks, Kenjirou. I feel a lot better now.”

Kenjirou rose to his feet and picked his backpack up from the floor, slinging it over his shoulders again. “You’re welcome. Have a good night.”

Satori stumbled to his feet as well, following Kenjirou to the door. He didn’t know why he was so reluctant to let his kouhai leave. He had gotten the chance to unleash his emotions and he felt so much better about his place in the world just by telling someone.

Kenjirou’s purpose in staying behind had been achieved and there wasn’t any reason for him to stick around any longer. But Satori was having a hard time letting go anyway. He desperately clawed the air for any excuse for Kenjirou to stay a little longer. “It was nice seeing you like this, Kenjirou!”

The setter paused with his hand on the door, blinking up at Satori. “Pardon?”

Satori fumbled for words. “Like... Soft and caring. I’ve always known you’re smart, but I’ve never seen you put that to use like this before. You give really good advice and I liked just sitting with you and talking. I mean! I love how you are normally too! I love the banter we have at practice sometimes, especially since the last time we hung out like this because I feel like we’ve gotten closer and I really appreciate that! But I love this too because I just feel... Thanks for being quiet again with me tonight.”

Kenjirou considered the words before answering. “It was nice for me too. I expect tomorrow is going to be back to the usual joking and singing routine for you?”

“You betcha!” Satori grinned. “And you’re going to go back to snapping at me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Alright,” Kenjirou nodded, “Good. Unless you need this again. Or I need this again. You’re not alone either.”

Satori felt the weight of the words in his chest and he swayed forward. “One more favor?” He held his arms out expectantly.

Kenjirou hesitated for a moment before stepping into the hug.

Satori closed his eyes, relishing in the contact. He wondered if anyone else on the team had ever hugged Kenjirou like this before. Satori knew the younger student wasn’t fond of touching, but it didn’t show as much now. He felt relaxed in Satori’s arms, reciprocating the action easily. It was a good feeling, Kenjirou’s arms around his back. Satori was going to have to find a new excuse to get Kenjirou alone like this again. This would never fly in front of anyone else.

Kenjirou pulled away from the hug first, his eyes shifting across Satori’s face before he left the room with a small wave and a quiet “Goodnight.”

Satori flopped back down on his bed immediately, pressing his hands to his cheeks and smiling. He couldn’t wait for their usual banter to resume the next day, knowing that under the surface they both ran deeper than they let on and their stories were now more interconnected than before. Satori’s goal to successfully bond with his kouhai before graduating was working better than he had anticipated. It was almost a little scary, the way Satori’s entire being longed to race back out into the hallway and drag Kenjirou back inside, hold him captive if necessary, just to have him there. The six months they had until the end of the school year wasn’t nearly enough at this rate. He’d just wanted to spend some extra time with his kouhai, but the result was something Satori hadn’t quite foreseen.

 

It was funny when he thought about it, taking into consideration his other kouhai that he honestly had more in common with. He could be wild and loud and have fun with Tsutomu, something he needed for survival. He could relax with no expectations and be lazy with Taichi, a strange blessing that Satori appreciated when it happened. But he could feel with Kenjirou. They could just be fucked up together. And Satori was falling in love.

Acknowledging the truth was a whole new sort of agony, but there was no avoiding it now. It was almost too much to hope that the feeling was reciprocated. On one hand, Satori didn’t think Kenjirou hugged just anyone, sat with just anyone to talk, let just anyone play with his hands, shared his feelings and his burdens with just anyone. But on the other hand, that didn’t have to have anything to do with the romance fantasy blooming in Satori’s heart. He would wait, watch, try to figure things out on his own. Because once again, Kenjirou was completely right. Satori would run far away before he would confront Kenjirou about this. He fell asleep torn apart, half of him happy to dive into this new daydream he hadn’t known about before, the other part of him wishing he could face a situation like this without every instinct screaming at him to never look back as he took flight.


	3. Freeze

Altogether too soon, the year was winding down. Even with the conclusion of the volleyball season not going according to plan, everyone on the team seemed a little closer because of their shared loss. Satori was very glad for that. It could’ve torn them apart and in some parallel universe, it probably did. He was almost afraid to look at some of his teammates after the tournament, expecting to see the defeat in their expressions. Instead, there was a strength there that inspired Satori. Just because the season was over early and the third years had pretty much all abandoned club activities to focus on university exams and whatnot, the first and second-years still attended practice diligently and often stayed late to keep working hard.

Satori still spent a fair amount of time near the gym. Most of the time it was just because he was following Wakatoshi around in his free time and his fellow third-year never strayed far from the nearest volleyball net.

It was enjoyable, watching the kouhai Satori was leaving form a cohesive team on their own. The four new starters who had been on the bench were fitting in nicely. Obviously, with new members, there were different plays they could accomplish and new methods to achieve the results they were all looking for.

Tsutomu looked determined as ever, especially since being crowned ace and getting the majority of the spikes for himself. Taichi had stepped up in a big way, no longer able to rely on someone else to take initiative with blocking. And in the center of it all, Kenjirou didn’t even look phased by the new team. He was just as reliable with his tosses and Satori maybe even spotted some flashier moves that hadn’t been needed previously.

“You’re going to be a great captain,” Satori murmured to the air, leaving the gym again. He had applications and studying and a hundred other things to do before the end of the year and couldn’t spend all day watching his old team practice, as much as he wanted to.

 

Unfortunately, a split occurred within Satori’s being again, his body stuck at his desk, a university application laid out in front of him while his mind had stayed behind in the gym, mesmerized by the ball spinning through the air, headed in whichever direction Kenjirou wanted it to go.

Satori had been far too focused on Kenjirou lately and it was starting to tear him apart. Of course he needed to pay attention to his setter while he’d still been the one on the court and no matter what, they were still friends and Satori made good use of that, making a point to talk to Kenjirou whenever possible, even if it was in the school halls and it resulted in yet another tardy.

But this was way different. Satori couldn’t look away if he wanted to and the setter was never far from his mind no matter where Satori was or what he was doing. On several occasions already, Satori had been caught staring from the edges of the court.

Eita had just laughed at him. “Already missing it? You didn’t even play for the sport, Satori. You just did it for fun.”

“I guess,” Satori mumbled, following his roommate back out of the gym, stealing one more look. Maybe he didn’t have the same commitment to the sport like others Satori knew, but there were plenty of other things tying Satori down.

Fiddling with a pen at his desk and tapping the end against the application form, still empty, Satori felt like a mess of emotions and thoughts that didn’t have any place in his head other than to fly around and wreak havoc. Graduation was in a week and Satori had yet to figure out how to handle his little crush. He knew once he left school for good and didn’t see Kenjirou every day, the feelings would start to fade. He would be able to sit on his bed again without being wrenched back to the night a few months ago when he hadn’t been alone there, holding Kenjirou’s hands gently while they talked. He would still have someone to run to, but he would stop anyway because with time, the second-year’s presence wouldn’t calm Satori instantly and he would stop relying on it.

And yet the thought of just letting his feelings fade away made Satori’s heart hurt even more than it already did. But what was he supposed to do? Tell Kenjirou? That would hardly be a good plan. He might lose the tentative friendship they’d been building all year and Satori would be alone again.

If Satori had better control over his emotions, he might try to keep seeing Kenjirou, keep coming back when he needed someone to be fucked up with, but the risk in that was too high. He might say something he shouldn’t.

That was the main reason for the distance that had grown between the two again in the past few weeks. Satori made fewer attempts to bother Kenjirou and tried not to race over to him in the halls. The more he fueled this fire, the harder it would be to put out.

Because of course, that’s all that would happen. The fire would grow, but Satori was never going to do something about it. He didn’t confront people. Even if it was Kenjirou, who knew every bit of the way Satori worked, Satori wouldn’t be the catalyst for any sort of change.

Satori usually fell asleep to the same fantasy every night. He would be minding his own business when Kenjirou approached him. The second-year didn’t back down from an argument and he wasn’t afraid to corner someone. In the fantasy, Kenjirou was the one to confess first because he was pushy and honest and didn’t let uncertainty stop him.

Of course, that was nice to imagine, but it also brought forth the point that if Kenjirou was so up-front with his thoughts, if he hadn’t said anything yet, it probably meant the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.

Satori did his best to push that thought far away. Love confessions were a different matter altogether and Satori couldn’t expect Kenjirou to shamelessly tell him that, no matter how forward he could be.

But of course, it was just as likely that there was nothing between them at all. Kenjirou hadn’t let Satori play with his hands and tape his fingers and comfort him after his fight because of love. It was just as much due to friendship than anything else and Satori would do the same for anyone on his team.

Starting to get frustrated again, Satori put the application away for a while and laid down on his bed, staring at the bare ceiling. There used to be posters up there, but he had slowly started deconstructing his room in preparation to move back out at the end of the year. This was the state of his mind lately. So full of thoughts, but not the kind that were useful to him in any way, just the ones that made him feel guilty for not acting on them and the ones that already missed this school Satori called home before he even moved out. He missed it because he already knew he wasn’t going to act on his emotions. He was going to let his feelings fade and get on with his life. He’d start now, maintaining a friendly distance from Kenjirou.

 

A knock on the door opened Satori’s eyes again. Eita had left the room a half an hour ago for food and probably forgot his room key for the hundredth time. Satori stood up quickly, preparing a witty greeting to chastise his roommate for forgetting his key once again.

Instead, he was met by a short second-year with a bad attitude and a dark scowl, shoving his way into the room and throwing his backpack on the floor.

Satori had been pushed out of the way as Kenjirou entered and he paused there next to the door without moving. “What are you...”

Kenjirou looked up from where he’d placed himself at Satori’s desk, a book in his hands. “You said if I got mad and needed distance, I could come here. No questions asked.”

“I never agreed to the ‘no questions asked’ clause.” Satori recovered quickly and bounced over to sit on the edge of his desk, much easier now that it was fairly clean, most of his school supplies unnecessary by now. “What are you mad about.”

“Life,” Kenjirou grumbled, opening the book. “You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

“I wasn’t doing anything.” Satori’s promises of keeping his distance from Kenjirou disappeared out the window instantly and he couldn’t keep his hands away for long, landing behind the setter, shaking his shoulders gently.

“Please stop,” Kenjirou mumbled with the same bored inflection that responded to most of Satori’s casual teasing.

Usually by now, Satori would relent and hum a tune while he waited for Kenjirou to be ready to explain in his own time or he would ask about the book in Kenjirou’s hands or about how volleyball had gone since it appeared practice had just ended, judging by Kenjirou’s shower-damp hair.

“You sure?” Satori asked instead, not letting up.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Kenjirou smacked Satori’s hands away.

For just an instant, Satori allowed his fantasies to play out. He grabbed at Kenjirou’s hands, making the book fall. “You look like you have something to say though! C’mon, you can tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“I said _stop_!” Kenjirou was out of the chair immediately.

Before Satori could fully realize his mistake in pushing back, he felt the contact between Kenjirou’s hands and his chest, shoving him backwards. Satori stumbled and fell. Looking up, Kenjirou was still standing over him, hands now balled into fists. His stance said this wasn’t over but his expression read horror, confusion, frustration, and a lot of other negative things Satori had been trying to prevent by giving the younger student a place to hide from his anger.

Kenjirou’s shoulders sagged and he turned away first, throwing his fist at the wall.

Without thinking, Satori scrambled back to his feet and blew through the door. Was he running? Was he really running from Kenjirou like this? Was he so much of a coward that he couldn’t even stick around to resolve a conflict he had started?

The answer to all of those was yes and Satori hated it. He’d left Kenjirou in a worse spot than he’d started in, something Satori had never wanted to happen. But there he was, passing other dorms and headed for the door outside. Kenjirou was still inside, beating up the wall but internally fighting himself. Fitting, considering that Satori was running from nothing but himself too.

There had to be a way to overcome his very instincts and face this without fleeing. He stopped, anchoring his hands on either side of the hall so he couldn’t keep moving. Even if he couldn’t turn himself around, the least he could do was freeze instead of running. Maybe Kenjirou could do the same thing. Maybe they wouldn’t sort everything out tonight, but Satori couldn’t leave him like this. He needed to freeze time and allow them both the distance to work through their personal issues.

Turning around, Satori dashed back to his dorm and reentered quickly. Every instinct screamed at him to escape until things calmed down again but he braced himself in the doorway, rooting himself to the spot.

Kenjirou was on the bed, head bowed in his arms, one of Satori’s blankets swirled around his shoulders. A couple knuckles on his right hand were split open again from punching the wall. He didn’t bother looking up as Satori stepped slowly inside.

“Hey? Kenjirou, I’m sorry...”

“No, I’m sorry,” Kenjirou said, his voice stronger than Satori’s tenfold. “I hit you. That was so out of line. I made you run. I hurt you again.”

“It’s fine,” Satori said, sitting down on the bed, far enough away that they weren’t touching. “I just got scared for a second. I’m not mad at you.”

“I didn’t even think, I just reacted,” Kenjirou continued. “You kept insisting that something was wrong and I didn’t know what to say... I just don’t want to be alone again, but you’re leaving and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Kenjirou,” Satori assured. “More than you can imagine. Your hand is bleeding though. Can I help you out with that?”

Kenjirou shifted, letting go of the blanket. “Sorry, did I get anything on your stuff?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Satori pulled the blanket back over Kenjirou’s shoulders before disappearing into the bathroom to find a paper towel and bandages.

By the time he came back out, Kenjirou had lifted his head. “I should explain—”

“Shh,” Satori cut him off. “Not now. No more fighting or running away for us. Just stay still.”

“That’s an oddly deep sentiment coming from you,” Kenjirou said dryly to cover up the way he flinched as Satori pressed the wet paper towel against the back of his hand.

“I can be deep sometimes!” Satori grinned. “Can I hold your hands again?”

Kenjirou uncurled himself and gave his hands to Satori to fuss over.

It didn’t go unnoticed to Satori that their knees were touching again like last time. He hadn’t fucked things up so badly that Kenjirou wasn’t okay to touch him anymore. Satori let the silence relax the tension between them for a few minutes before he tossed the paper towel away and spoke. “So you’re worried about next year?”

Nodding, Kenjirou shifted uneasily. “I never felt like I needed someone to go to when I was upset. I never had anyone offer so I always kept my feelings under control by myself. But now I don’t know how to go back to that.”

“I feel the same way,” Satori admitted. “I’m going to have to go back to running to my animes and fictional characters, huh.” For the first time in his life, the action figures on his desk didn’t feel good enough for Satori. “I’m going to miss holding these hands.”

“I’m going to miss being held,” Kenjirou admitted, his eyes falling shut. “At least it feels that way sometimes. That’s probably weird though.”

Satori held back a scared laugh. “Do you want to be held? You never let people touch you. I never thought that would be a nice feeling for you.”

Kenjirou shrugged. “Most people. Most people aren’t you.”

Hardly daring to breathe, Satori reached out, wrapping eager arms around Kenjirou’s back. The setter was blushing profusely and Satori wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. He wasn’t fighting back against the awkward, loose hug. “All you have to do is ask, Kenjirou,” Satori murmured, doing his best to ignore the ache in his heart to get closer. “You’re special to me too.”

“How special? If I did something bad to you would you forgive me?”

At that, Satori did laugh. “Of course, Kenjirou. We made that promise a long time ago. We’re both a little fucked up. Do your worst, but you’re not going to be alone.”

“Okay.” Kenjirou shifted out of the hug. “Forgive me for this then.”

Satori froze on instinct, the witty response stolen straight from his lips. Kenjirou moved closer, seating himself backwards on Satori’s lap so there was nothing to look at but each other. And he didn’t stop there, pressing his lips firmly against Satori’s, tense with nerves and inexperience. Satori was too frozen to do anything at first and Kenjirou pulled away, cheeks warm and eyes watering with shame. Recovering most of his senses, Satori locked his arms around Kenjirou, leaning back in to steal a kiss of his own. Kenjirou was hesitant for a moment before he straightened his posture under Satori’s hands, running up and down his back and he pressed back harder.

Another laugh escaped Satori’s mouth as Kenjirou pulled away to take a gasping breath of air. They couldn’t possibly be close enough for Satori’s preference as they clung to each other in a tight hug. “So that’s what was on your mind. Told ya I’d get it out of you somehow.”

“And that’s why you wouldn’t just leave me alone,” Kenjirou scoffed, not taking his flushed face out of Satori’s shoulder. “You’re graduating... What do we do?”

“For right now, nothing.” Satori smiled into the side of Kenjirou’s neck. “Just let this moment happen. We’ll figure it out later, but for right now I’m okay if we just let time freeze.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katrina,  
> Happy birthday! Thank you for fucking existing? Uh, that's all I have to say because I'm just so honored and privileged to know you and call you my best friend. I'm so grateful every single day I get to talk to you; no one knows me like you do and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't plan on this being the only and last time I write TenShira for you because you've got me real dang deep in this hell and I'm never gonna escape even if I wanted to. (which I don't. So. It works out.) I hope this can even scratch the surface a tiny bit of showing you how much I love you and how much you mean to me! I know how important The Feels are to the both of us and going way too in-depth with character insights and I just hope I did a good job, especially with Tendou! I don't think I've ever tried writing directly from his perspective before and while it wasn't a natural feeling (who am I kidding, trying to write anyone other than Shirabu is an unnatural feeling) I think I'm pretty proud of how this turned out! Hopefully, you enjoy it and know how much love has been poured into these words for you, the most important miracle girl in my life.  
> I love you.  
> -Erica


End file.
